Stop Telling Me How to Fix My Body

I’ve been fat my entire life, but I know how to remedy it.

I wish I lost weight the way I lose things.

If this were true, I would be the size I’ve dreamed of since I left my teen years and started really putting on the pounds. I also wish I was as ‘fat’ now as I thought I was then. I weighed 155 pounds when I was 17 and thought I was the size of a house.

I’m only 5’5, so I wasn’t skinny by any means, but I was also not fat. I was healthy and curvy in a good way.

Now, I’m definitely fat and my health is not great. One doesn’t absolutely have to do with the other, but I’m sure it doesn’t help. I can’t move the way I would like. I used to be super flexible. I lost that when I gained weight. Pain keeps me from doing a lot of things I would love, though I know exercising more would help that a little.

I don’t need a guru or random men to tell me what to do to lose weight. I’ve done it before. Almost three years ago, my husband and I started the keto diet, and we both lost a significant amount of weight. For the first time in my adult life, I weighed almost what I did at the age of 17.

And I still thought I was fat.

Now that I’ve put it all back on, I see I wasn’t. To add insult to injury, I recently came across photos I took for my husband, when I was at my lowest weight. You know, when I was positive I was still fat. I look at them now and I’ll admit, I cry.

For me, I was thin. I had definable hips, my waist dipped in, my tummy was flatt-ish. I looked healthy and I was. I exercised a few times a week, I didn’t drink regular soda, and I drank a lot of water. My skin was smoother. And thinking back, I felt better than I had in a long time.

Self-esteem plays a huge role in the way I see myself in the mirror, even when I’m at a weight I desire. I’ve struggled with it my entire life. Until the past five years, I’ve always had someone around who told me I was fat, unattractive, and just never enough. Hearing that for over 35 years does something to a person.

I’ve had to learn to change how I talk to myself to see the real me, not me everyone else has told me is there.

When my husband recently had surgery early this year, he had difficulty with his recovery. It ended up being more serious than originally intended because of complications. He is a proud man, a stubborn man. I had to help him complete daily tasks, and it wore me out way more than it should have.

I have little upper body strength; I run out of breath quickly and helping him up and down pulled things in my back I didn’t know existed.

I could fix much of this by losing 60 pounds and strength training. I just have to get off my ass and do it. And I’ve taken the first steps, again. I’m on day five of no soda and better water consumption. My diet isn’t horrible as it stands, though I could always add more veggies and be happy.

I’m getting older and changing my life is harder now than it was when I was younger. That doesn’t mean I shouldn’t do it, it just means I have to dig in a little more. Weight loss gets harder for women, especially the older we get. Belly fat is dangerous and the hardest to lose.

Guess where all my weight is?

I have to get past my issues with it all. Losing weight is something important for my health. It doesn’t matter where I lose it (there go the boobs and the butt immediately!); it needs to go. Eventually, when I find a healthy weight, it will go from all the places I want. And even if it doesn’t, knowing I’m healthier and stronger will be enough.

At least, that’s what I tell myself. And the inner narrative has to come first.

I think, therefore, I write. /Posts may contain affiliate links.

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