The Insidiousness of Depression

The date of my last confession here was May 25th. Article, not confession. Catholic slip.

I never intended to be away at all, much less for almost six weeks. The days slipped by in a haze of grey. I was fine, or so I thought. I was writing daily, I procured an online gig captioning videos, I was busy and making a bit of money to help out my family.

Then, it became more and more difficult to get out of bed. Notifications on my phone began feeing intrusive. So, I deleted most every app on my phone. I was feeling guilty that I was being tagged in things here and not responding. According to my email, I have over 100 notifications on Twitter that I have yet to see.

At first, I chalked it up to being tired. I wasn’t sleeping well, I’ve been dealing with a lot of pain since February (when I lost my insurance), and I was trying to make as much money as possible with the new gig.

Then, even that went away. Due to two “low” scores on two different videos, which quite honestly were bullshit, my account was removed. That added to the depression that was lurking in the shadows. I had spent weeks busting my ass doing this job, finally bringing in enough to supplement our income, and boom. Gone.

I don’t really want to delve too far into all the shit this latest round of depression has unearthed, so I won’t. Suffice it to say, last week, I put my big girl panties on and SITFU (Sucked It The Fuck Up).

For over a month, three other writers here had been planning a trip to visit me. Unfortunately, one had to change her plans and was unable to come, due to a family emergency, however, I was still privledged to meet Eric Griggs and Gwen Saoirse.

We all had a lovely time together, along with my sister and her crew. It was a complete change from what I had been experiencing in the weeks prior, but was a welcome change of pace. I am recovering this week. Even with the exhaustion, I wouldn’t change a thing.

Gwen, Eric, and yours truly. Photo by Gwen 2018

The above photo was taken at Fort Caswell, North Carolina, on the 4th of July. My brother-in-law works there, and was able to get us a place on the lawn to view the fireworks across the water in Southport, NC. It is the most lovely place to view the fireworks each year. It’s cooler, thanks to the breezes off the water, quieter thanks to the limited access, and just generally a neat place to be.

I will do my best to be more present here in the near future. And in the next week or less, our collaborative writing effort, “Bent Willows”, will finally have a new chapter. I’m working diligently on this, now that I am closer to being back in the right head-space.

I hope this finds all who read it well.

I think, therefore, I write. ccuthbertauthor@gmail.com /Posts may contain affiliate links.

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