This Is Just One of Those Fucking Days, Thanks!
That’s a pretty close approximation of what I look like when I attempt to scream. Probably about as effective, too. I’ve never been able to scream like a “girl”, you know what scream I mean. Ever been in a room with about five or six little girls under the age of 10? Did they start squealing/screaming about something? (Probably Justin Bieber) Yeah. That scream.
Even as a little girl, couldn’t do it. As a 40 year old woman, can’t do it. When I get angry, upset, frustrated, anxious, any of those things where you’re told in therapy, “Scream into a pillow, it will make you feel better!”, I can’t do it.
I clean instead. It’s probably a good thing, since I’ve been so fucking depressed lately due to all the shit going on, that my house was a disaster. Laundry everywhere, okay my laundry everywhere. I do this really stupid thing where I will put everyone else’s laundry away, because I don’t want them to have to dig around for things to wear. But I just toss mine wherever. Yeah, I’m smart like that.
No one sweeps and mops the kitchen except for me. I sweep, twice a day at least. We have two dogs in the house and they both shed like its their job. I could probably sweep 5 times a day and still sweep up dog hair. It’s ridiculous.
It’s just been one of those fucking days. I woke up at 0630, was supposed to take my son to the college for something and my body just said nope, we aren’t going anywhere. I texted him from two rooms over and said hey, sorry, I’m not driving anywhere. If you want to walk, bundle up, it’s cold. He’s 18, his choice.
My husband has asked me about three times today, “What’s wrong?” I really can’t answer that without breaking down and crying. I hate that. I’m just stressed and I hate that. I’ve been working hard for over a year now to reign in my anxiety and negative bullshit, and with so much shit crashing down at once, it’s feeling like I’ve worked towards nothing.
I know this isn’t completely true, but today it feels like it is. So today, I’m allowing it. I’m in leggings and a hoodie, I’ve cleaned, done laundry, cooked for the next three days, and read. It’s 2200 and I’m just now sitting down to write. All the physical issues I have are flaring up and screaming at me (at least something can scream dammit) to soak in the bath tub with some epsom salts.
So that’s what I’m going to do. Today was my day to wallow. Tomorrow, back to the grind. Back to being the person I’ve grown to be, working on figuring out how my little family is going to get through this rough patch.
But today, today has just been one of those fucking days, thanks.
