Welcome to the Church of the Blue Moon, Now Give Me Money

All is quiet, for the most part, at zero dark thirty, which is when the wind woke me. My child stirred, arm thrown out stiff, cup in hand. I stumbled to the kitchen, forgetting for a moment that I wasn’t at home. Cup filled and handed back, my body decided it was finished with sleep for the night.

Awesome, a whole three hours.

I guess it’s better than nothing and I shouldn’t complain. Instead, I’ll try to appreciate the wind, rain, and romanticism that can be found in insomnia. Love the one you’re with, amiright?

I set up my computer and coffee at the bar and realized my mother-in-law left the television on when she fell asleep on the couch. They only have antenna service, so, televangelists it is. I’ve not had the privilege of this particular bullshit in many years, and hoped to tune it out while writing and working.

Not that lucky today, apparently.

All I can think of is the song, “Praise the Lord and Pass the Ammunition”

Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition
Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition
Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition
And we’ll all stay free

Praise the Lord and swing into position
Can’t afford to be a politician
Praise the Lord, we’re all between perdition
And the deep blue sea

Praise Jeebus. Call now, if you don’t have money, borrow it and donate. Seriously?

Did you know, there’s a war on against manly men? I swear, if my mother-in-law were not snoring directly behind me, I would have thrown something at the television. Get the hell out of here with that bullshit.

Since I can’t tune it out, I decided to deep dive into the rabbit hole of the internet. These assholes are making a killing! So I’ve decided I’m going to start my own “church”. I’ll call it The Church of the Blue Moon.

If anyone reading is good at making logos and the like, feel free to hook me up, I’m gonna need all the help I can get, getting this thing going.

Hear me out. I’m not the prettiest plum on the bush, but I look one hell of a lot better than these old dudes I’ve been seeing on television this morning, I can tell you that. Plus, I’ll use YouTube, everyone can watch! I can also promise you, I won’t ask you to change who you are in order to be a member.

Come as you are! Want to watch naked? Cool! I don’t care, we will never meet in person (most likely) anyway. I just want you to feel good about YOU.

Hell, if you want to masturbate while I’m telling you about how the Blue Moon can save your immortal soul, you do you, boo boo. Whatever floats your goat. Boat. Whatever, man.

I’m thinking a twice weekly show, where not once, will you ever hear about idiocy like, conversion therapy, how you’re going to burn for all eternity, how manly men will save the world, how the man is the head of your spiritual home, or best of all, how G-d is who you should dedicate everything in your life to in order to make it in your work and personal life.

These are all things I’ve heard, on repeat, all morning.

For the low, low price of whatever you choose to donate, I will seriously consider starting a twice weekly podcast/video show where I will discuss all kinds of things, varying by each show. Current events, LGBTQ rights, women’s rights, mindfulness, and much more.

I’m mildly serious. It’s something I’ve considered for awhile, but didn’t have the mental bandwith, or the actual bandwith to accomplish. I believe I do, now.

And quite honestly, the fact that these drains on society can get on television and spout so much hate and ridiculousness, and become millionaires makes me angry.

Keep your eyes and ears open, there’s a Blue Moon rising.

A girl’s gotta have equipment :) Thanks for coming to my sermon. Praise the moon, and do what you will with ammunition.