Ranting isn’t something I generally do in my normal, every day life. I’m the “strong one”. The one who sucks it up and deals. I have breakdowns/meltdowns in the privacy of my bathroom.
I’ve actually managed to sit in my spot on the couch, with other people sitting in the living room, while watching television, and quietly cried to myself. No one noticed.
I’m not good with sharing my emotions face to face. I’m always afraid of the judgment, the disappointment I’m sure I’ll see cross someone’s face, being misunderstood, over explaining, etc. There are a lot of factors that come into play for me when it comes to explaining how I’m feeling and what I’m thinking.
So, for the most part, I just keep it to myself.
I do okay with writing it out, sometimes. Though I do tend to ramble.
Oftentimes I think to myself, “I hate my life.” I don’t say it out loud, though, because I think it would be taken the wrong way. I don’t mean that I hate the people in my life. I don’t. I love my husband and children. They get on my nerves sometimes, sure. But I don’t hate them, not at all. I hate the situation I’m in. And it’s mostly on me, so it makes my already ever present self-loathing even worse.
For a number of years, I have made poor financial and life decisions, and I am reaping what I’ve sown. Mostly, I made poor life decisions, repeatedly, which caused one financial crisis after another. I also have a big heart, and allowed myself to be a doormat, many times, and that also added to financial woes, eventually.
In order to safely and quickly remove myself from two different abusive relationships, I agreed, in writing, to give money to my abusers. Money that I didn’t have yet in the first situation (inheritance that was eventually coming) and money to pay off his debt (in the second situation). This essentially caused an inheritance, that would have allowed me to take care of myself independently for quite sometime, to all but disappear quickly.
In the first instance, I was very young and very stupid. I signed away a significant portion of money that I didn’t even have access to yet, and had no idea of the amount yet. Do you have any idea how HARD it is to write a check to someone who has physically, mentally, and sexually abused you for over 10 years? Especially when, this is 10 years AFTER you’ve agreed to do so, when you’re older, a little wiser, and have taken the “document” to court and been told that regardless of the coercion you know you were under, it’s legally binding?
It’s fucking hard.
And I had to do it more than once. The inheritance paid out multiple times, in smallish increments here and there, dispersed and properties sold, accounts were closed, etc. I had promised him a large percentage. So, each time something dispersed, I had to write him a check. Six checks. For more than I was allowed to keep.
I will not say how much. I will only say that he was able to purchase a primary residence, a rental property, and a vehicle. Outright, no loan. And that’s just what I know about.
And fucking bragged about it.
My second ex got all of his credit card debt paid off. Debt I had no part in.
Yes, I’m bitter. Yes, I’m no longer in those situations. And for that, I’m thankful, more than I can ever express. But it’s hard.
I was able to keep enough to purchase a foreclosed property for my family that needs a lot of work. It’s been two years and it still needs work. We have two vehicles, one of which does not run at this time. The other needs work, but it does run.
We struggle, daily.
And we have struggled, for a long time. It seems like it’s never ending. I made a comment yesterday, when my husband and I drove past a little farm. “I love that barn, it’s really pretty. One day, maybe we can have something like that. A really small farm with a horse barn, some chickens, etc.” My husband said, “I’m not holding my breath.”
He used to be more positive. Now, I’m lucky if he just agrees with me. In the past, he would go with my “dream” and expand on it. Years of being beaten down, things constantly going wrong, make you want to stop dreaming.
So no, I don’t hate the people that are currently in my life, it’s the situation. And I want the situation to change so that I can hope again.
Because I’m tired of hope being lost, of hopes being dashed, but most of all, being afraid to hope.